It has been five years, as of the 24th of April, since my mom left this earth and entered the presence of the Lord. One would think that five years would be enough time to heal from someones death......but I have found that not to be true. I feel like my wound is still a gaping hole of raw flesh. Like when I am walking barefoot and have no cuts on my feet then little irritations like rocks, sticks and dirt don't bother me, but with this gash across my foot each little speck of dirt creates pain that otherwise would have gone unnoticed.
I realize how much I confided in my mom and was able to talk to her about anything and everything. There are times that I am going through my day and I feel like I am supposed to call someone and I realize it is that I just really want to call my mom. I just want to call her randomly to tell her, "Hey Mom, you should have seen Nik on his bike today! He was skidding his back tire and showing off at the park, it was really funny!" and "Hi Mom, so I'm making some tea but it never turns out like when you always made it, what am I doing wrong?" and "Hi Mom, I just bought tickets to the play at DCS and I'm taking Morgan, do you want to go with us?". Those were just things from this week alone, and it's like this every day, every week, every month and I'm sure every year for the rest of my life. Those are the little irritations in my flesh wound.
Then there are the really painful moments when I step on a piece of glass and that glass becomes embedded in my foot and creates a lasting scar. That would be like when I found out I was pregnant for the first time just 4 months after mom died. Then having Nikolas and not having her there for it all; the first couple months when a new mom just needs someone to take care of her as she is taking care of a newborn. Then being pregnant again and wishing she was there to meet little Lukie. Now I am in another painful moment of my life with Tone' out of town for 8 months, yet again, and I think of how wonderful it would have been to be able to call my mom at any given moment and say, "Mom, I'm going crazy, will you come over and help me?" and "Mom, I have a meeting at church, will you watch the boys for a couple hours?" and "Mom, I just need a break, can the boys and I come over for a while?" Through all of these major life changes, I have been very blessed to have my sister who has stayed a week each time after my boys were born, among many other acts of motherhood she has done for me. I am also blessed to have great friends who will watch my boys when I need someone, and especially Angela and Sheri, who go above and beyond friendship duties. I also am thankful for Dad's wonderful wife, Sue, who has won my boys hearts. (Luke calls her "Eema" :) There are many others who have been a part of the village it takes to raise children and I am so grateful that I am so blessed to have people filling in those holes left open by my mothers absence.
Yet, in spite of all the help I do receive, it will never be close to the help a girl gets from her mother. A girl can call her mother at any moment and never feel like she is a burden. Even if others don't actually think of it as burdensome, I can't help but think I am, whereas with my mom, well, that is what a mom is for, right? To be there for her kids through it all. I realize that not all women had a relationship with their mother like I did, or perhaps they did but their mom was too far away to do anything. I guess because I had such a wonderful mother I just know what I am missing, and it's a lot.
I simply ache for my mother. I want her back. Sometimes I can't believe she actually died, like, no, that couldn't have really happened to her and to me and to my family. I still cry for her, think of her every day, imagine the fun my boys would have had with her. I think of all the mother/daughter times we are missing out on now that I am a stay at home mom. There was so much that she had to teach me about homemaking that I am now having to learn on my own or from others.
On top of the heartache I have for the loss of my mom, I think it compounded even more because Tone's mom died just 6 months before mine. Both of us lost our moms within six months of the other! We could barely believe it then, and we can still barely believe it now. It's so tragic that is is almost comical. Really, sometimes Tone' and I look at each other and half chuckle half sigh, because we simply can't believe our circumstances sometimes.
I don't have a profound way to end this post.....perhaps because it is ongoing. Grief is a process that never ends, and how could it? I recently read a stanza to a song written by Billy Sprague, I think it begins to express my thinking:
"Memory is a country
Where I can go to see your face
But where can I go
When I miss your embrace"
Oh how I long for my mothers embrace, and while I will never feel it again on this earth and in my lifetime, I am confident that one day I too will enter into the presence of the Lord and there I will also find my beloved mother. Smiling like she always was, and yet I imagine she won't look the same as she looked at 64. I'm thinking she'll be young again, looking more beautiful than ever. I can only imagine the fun we will have together, someday, once again.
The best part: they both passed out in the car soon after leaving Olympia, giving me a peaceful two hour drive home.
