I Miss You Mom

It has been five years, as of the 24th of April, since my mom left this earth and entered the presence of the Lord. One would think that five years would be enough time to heal from someones death......but I have found that not to be true. I feel like my wound is still a gaping hole of raw flesh. Like when I am walking barefoot and have no cuts on my feet then little irritations like rocks, sticks and dirt don't bother me, but with this gash across my foot each little speck of dirt creates pain that otherwise would have gone unnoticed.
I realize how much I confided in my mom and was able to talk to her about anything and everything. There are times that I am going through my day and I feel like I am supposed to call someone and I realize it is that I just really want to call my mom. I just want to call her randomly to tell her, "Hey Mom, you should have seen Nik on his bike today! He was skidding his back tire and showing off at the park, it was really funny!" and "Hi Mom, so I'm making some tea but it never turns out like when you always made it, what am I doing wrong?" and "Hi Mom, I just bought tickets to the play at DCS and I'm taking Morgan, do you want to go with us?". Those were just things from this week alone, and it's like this every day, every week, every month and I'm sure every year for the rest of my life. Those are the little irritations in my flesh wound.
Then there are the really painful moments when I step on a piece of glass and that glass becomes embedded in my foot and creates a lasting scar. That would be like when I found out I was pregnant for the first time just 4 months after mom died. Then having Nikolas and not having her there for it all; the first couple months when a new mom just needs someone to take care of her as she is taking care of a newborn. Then being pregnant again and wishing she was there to meet little Lukie. Now I am in another painful moment of my life with Tone' out of town for 8 months, yet again, and I think of how wonderful it would have been to be able to call my mom at any given moment and say, "Mom, I'm going crazy, will you come over and help me?" and "Mom, I have a meeting at church, will you watch the boys for a couple hours?" and "Mom, I just need a break, can the boys and I come over for a while?" Through all of these major life changes, I have been very blessed to have my sister who has stayed a week each time after my boys were born, among many other acts of motherhood she has done for me. I am also blessed to have great friends who will watch my boys when I need someone, and especially Angela and Sheri, who go above and beyond friendship duties. I also am thankful for Dad's wonderful wife, Sue, who has won my boys hearts. (Luke calls her "Eema" :) There are many others who have been a part of the village it takes to raise children and I am so grateful that I am so blessed to have people filling in those holes left open by my mothers absence.
Yet, in spite of all the help I do receive, it will never be close to the help a girl gets from her mother. A girl can call her mother at any moment and never feel like she is a burden. Even if others don't actually think of it as burdensome, I can't help but think I am, whereas with my mom, well, that is what a mom is for, right? To be there for her kids through it all. I realize that not all women had a relationship with their mother like I did, or perhaps they did but their mom was too far away to do anything. I guess because I had such a wonderful mother I just know what I am missing, and it's a lot.
I simply ache for my mother. I want her back. Sometimes I can't believe she actually died, like, no, that couldn't have really happened to her and to me and to my family. I still cry for her, think of her every day, imagine the fun my boys would have had with her. I think of all the mother/daughter times we are missing out on now that I am a stay at home mom. There was so much that she had to teach me about homemaking that I am now having to learn on my own or from others.
On top of the heartache I have for the loss of my mom, I think it compounded even more because Tone's mom died just 6 months before mine. Both of us lost our moms within six months of the other! We could barely believe it then, and we can still barely believe it now. It's so tragic that is is almost comical. Really, sometimes Tone' and I look at each other and half chuckle half sigh, because we simply can't believe our circumstances sometimes.
I don't have a profound way to end this post.....perhaps because it is ongoing. Grief is a process that never ends, and how could it? I recently read a stanza to a song written by Billy Sprague, I think it begins to express my thinking:

"Memory is a country
Where I can go to see your face
But where can I go
When I miss your embrace"

Oh how I long for my mothers embrace, and while I will never feel it again on this earth and in my lifetime, I am confident that one day I too will enter into the presence of the Lord and there I will also find my beloved mother. Smiling like she always was, and yet I imagine she won't look the same as she looked at 64. I'm thinking she'll be young again, looking more beautiful than ever. I can only imagine the fun we will have together, someday, once again.

Conversations From The Backseat

Sometimes, it is especially difficult to drive while listening to the hilarious conversations coming from the back seat.

This took place while driving home from my brothers house and the boys saw a red truck like Tone's.

Lukas: My daddy

Nikolas: No, Lukie, you're mommy's, I'm daddy's.

Oh Nikolas, sometimes, those are my sentiments exactly.

Four Fast Years

Nikolas turned four years old on Saturday!

We had family over to celebrate and naturally we had a train party, for the second year in a row. This particular train party had a little twist to it, however. Sometime last year Nikolas became a fan of a little train called, "Lady". Lady is a girl train....and pink. Didn't matter to this tree climbing, bike riding, tough little boy. Oh no, for the last few months I have been reminded over and over again that he wanted a "Lady party". Not a Thomas party, or a James party or even a Percy party. A Lady party.
Well, I wasn't about to decorate the place in pink, I don't even have a speck of pink in my house. (Except for my Nalgene & Camelback bottles and that is only a ploy so Tone' doesn't steal them:) ((It doesn't work, by the way)) So I decorated in red and blue except for a pink Lady window painting I did on the sliding glass door. I had decorated and baked the cake the day before but I hadn't frosted the cake yet. Normally, if you have followed my blog for the last couple years, you may have noticed I like to create 3D cakes. This year, I wanted to make my friend, Emily's, delicious chocolate cake recipe, which was too moist to create into 3D. So I just made a 9X13 cake and had planned on frosting it in the morning. Nikolas came out in the morning, looked for his cake, didn't see it, came to find me with his little shoulders sagging and his head down and said, "I guess I'm not having a Lady party after all:(" It was so sad! So I got busy frosting and ended up with this:

It was delicious!!! I'll never use boxed cake mix again! (Well, except for cake mix cookies, that is entirely different:)

He had to have the face part of the cake. Right out of the middle.

It was such a perfect day on his birthday that we were able to go outside to play with all his new toys, like the golf clubs! Watch out!

Then he showed us how high he can climb in our neighbors tree.

I think this boy had a wonderful fourth birthday. I can't even believe how fast the last four years have gone. I don't even want to think about another four going that fast as that would make him EIGHT! Oh my. Nope, don't want to think about it.

Over The River And Through The Woods.....

to Grandmother's (and Grandfather's) cabin we go!
The boys and I went to the cabin for a couple days while my dad and Sue were staying there last week. It was the perfect weather that first day: bright and sunny, warm, with very little wind. From the moment the boys jumped out of the car they wanted to be outside enjoying every minute we had. The biggest draw at the cabin is the dock that jets out into a little cove in the lake. Lukas and Nikolas ran for the dock to check out all the geese who were loitering around waiting for their daily rationing of bread. Those two little boys were loud enough that they scared all those big ol' honking geese away! Scaredy cats! er...geese.

Lukey with Grandma Graham

Lukas found a big pile of rocks and he soon discovered that rocks make a really cool "plop" sound when dropped in the lake. He kept trying to fit all the rocks through this little hole, some fit...some didn't. It didn't matter what the size of the rock was, he had to try it.

If it didn't pass the test, over the side of the dock it went.

In fact, in this lower picture, Lukey is standing in the exact same place that Sue was standing when she decided to take a little jump into the lake, only, she hadn't meant to! (I'm so sorry Sue, but it is too funny not to share!" So as the story goes; Sue was out on the dock in the same place as Luke is in the above picture, only she was facing the opposite direction. She went to lean against the railing, only, their was no railing in that particular spot of the dock. So she just kept going and kersplashed right into the freezing cold water! This water is so cold as it is glacier melt from Mt. Adams. I don't even swim in it in the summer, brrrr! Of course, the cold wasn't the worst part, oh no! The worst part was sinking into the muck and mud at the bottom of the lake as the part she fell in at was only about three feet deep. She came up with mud EVERYWHERE!!! Oh, I can't even imagine:0 We just won't even talk about what else made up that mud:{ Eeeewwwww....

Nikolas spent most of his time outside swinging on this tire swing. I mean, really, what more could a boy want than rocks, water, tire swings and a forest to tromp around in? Well, besides chocolate, naturally.


Grandpa took everyone for a little boat ride as well, and thankfully, no one fell in:) He took us over to the other side of the lake where there is a really fun rope swing. I had to take a few swings on it, which always puts a smile on my face! You climb up a ladder attached to a tree and swing out over the lake and back again. Super fun:) I can't help but scream every time. In fact, I do the same thing when I fall off a rock face....scream like a girl....but I am a girl, so it's okay. I'm looking forward to more cabin visits now that the weather is turning more summer like, that is, it was, certainly not the case this week.

Faster Than A Shooting Star!

Funny conversation between Nikolas and another little boy while they were riding bikes at the park:

Nik: Is that a fast bike?

Boy: Yeah, it's really fast. It's faster than a shooting star! But I never use that mode.
And I don't ever show anyone either.

HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!! Tone' and I started laughing hysterically when we heard that! How do kids come up with these things?!!! Hooboy, too funny.

My Little "Dirt" Biker

Nikolas has become quite the proficient bike rider over the last month, being able to stop and start on his own, slow down, make sharp turns and so on. I've been wanting to take him somewhere else to ride his bike other than our little dead end street, so with the weather so nice we headed for Happy Valley Park. I put Lukas in the stroller and Nikolas hopped on his bike and we headed for the board walk. The board walk is a really cool path through trees, marshland and fields and as I found out, not quite wide enough for two full size strollers to pass each other. Nikolas did surprisingly amazing going straight, slowing down for corners and for other people and not getting too far ahead of me. People commented to me as they walked past at how amazing it is that he doesn't have training wheels, to which I usually agree. It is quite amazing, actually. I only know of one other 3 year old who learned to ride a bike at 3 and that is my friend, Shawna's son. So when we were nearly done with our ride and had only one last sharp corner to make before the home stretch to the paved path and grass, I commented to a runner who was passing Nikolas with a worried look, "Don't worry, he's done great the whole time and knows to slow down."

And then time slowed down; yes, now just picture this in your mind:
Tiny little boy riding a tiny little bike on a boardwalk 3 feet wide. Man runs past him causing him to swerve a little, little boy sees he needs to make a sharp turn onto the next path at the same time he sees a walker approaching from said path with a little yappy dog on a leash.
Tiny little boy makes the turn......and forgets? to straighten his front wheel sending him right off the edge of the boardwalk and three feet down causing him to fly over his handlebars and do a face plant into the very squishy, thick and wet mud below. :0

Now picture this:
Mama half screams, half laughs as she starts running/pushing stroller towards screaming mud covered little boy. Mama pulls little boy out of the mud while laughing and trying to calm mud boy down at the same time. Muddy boy has ooey gooey mud dripping off his eyelashes, in his hair and ears, up his nose and all over his favorite soccer shorts. Worst of all, to little boy, is that his very favorite "fire" bike is also covered in thick gooey mud.

Thankfully, the runner who I had made the comment about Nik being quite safe came running back and pulled the bike out of the muck. He looked quite helpless just standing there, like he really wanted to do something more, but eventually saw that I was not as distraught as most mothers probably would have been.

After I wiped the mud off Nik's face as best I could I plopped him on top of the stroller, stuck the bike's front wheel in the stroller basket and headed for the car. Upon gaining composure Nikolas said to me," Mama, that was a very nice man. He pulled my fire bike out of the mud. I need to find that man and tell him, "Thank you." I love that nice man. "

Aaaawwwwwww, I think that was the sweetest thing I have ever heard my boy say:) I sure wish I had seen that man again, cause I bet that comment would have made his day!

Let's Head To The Park!

The boys and I were happily surprised when Tone' called Friday afternoon to say that he was headed home for the weekend. With the sun expected to shine all day on Saturday we decided to hit Happy Valley Park (my favorite!) and have some good old fashioned fun. We were only there for a couple hours, but we packed it well with all the park has to offer.

We hit the playground first, and naturally, Nikolas has to push the limits on everything he does. (Somewhat similar to his mother....)
Instead of using the stairs or a ladder, he gets up the play structure by climbing up the supporting beams and such. I've stopped worrying. I mean, really, I taught him to rock climb on real rock when he was 2 years old, so what can I expect.

Look at what a big boy Nikolas is becoming!!! He was standing next to the teeter totter and another boy came up who was a couple years older and so they both got on. Nik was ecstatic:)


Next we headed for the creek that runs through the park. Since we don't live on a farm like I would love, this is the next best thing. The boys had a blast jumping in the water, throwing rocks, climbing on logs and showing us everything else they can do. Nik isn't too fond of slimy rocks, however.



After quite a while at the creek we put wet Lukas into the stroller and Nik hopped on his bike and we took a walk/ride through the park. After the bike ride, Tone' and I lounged around the beach volleyball sand pit while Lukey played in the sand and Nikolas climbed a little tree. In his underwear. I know, I know, my kids are always half dressed, but there was a really good reason! Their shorts were wet from the creek and I didn't want them caked with sand and get sand all over the car, now that's a good reason, isn't it?

There is nothing this little monkey can't climb. My dreams of having a climbing prodigy for a child is coming true! (insert gleeful giggle!)

Lukas discovered a great place to build a sand pile:)
He snuck up on Tone' while Tone' had his eyes shut.

There was definitely a mischievous sound that escaped that little boy's mouth while he was running to refill his bucket. We've decided: Lukey is a little stinker. But he's soooooo CUTE!

Seeing as the boys were filthy and we were only a mile from Grandma and Grandpa Grahams house we went over there and gave those boys baths. You should have seen the bath water after they were done, ewwww. Then we piled them into the car and headed home and not to our surprise they both fell asleep within two minutes of leaving.

This glorious day was a nice glimpse at what is to come in the next month as winter is leaving and spring is arriving. I've already been wearing flip flops and going barefoot.
Come on summer!